The Randomness of Being Me

Whew! Only a week since I declared the 33-day video journal countdown to my 65th birthday, and already I’ve missed taping segments at least three times. This required slating each subsequent segment as a catch up for days x and y.  Yikes! And I still have over three weeks to go! No hurry. It will be Birthday No. 65 after all.  The anti-birthday milestone for some.

What does it feel like, knowing I’m coming up on what is ostensibly the last significant age milestone in terms of being a viable workplace commodity? How about ‘anticlimatic’? Due to the current political and ethic-less marketplace, I’ve been for all intents and purposes “expired” already for at least the last five years, three of which have been on Social Security early just to have a paycheck!

Sad fate for a former workaholic. Even sadder when I discovered that my formerly brilliant multi-tasking self  had been successfully masking the reality of being ADD. It didn’t become noticeable until I no longer had anywhere to fully employ my excessively proficient multi-tasking nature. Go figure. My hidden challenge was the working world’s gain – for decades!

Now, experiencing the random nature of my brain is becoming my newest challenge.  How do you manage thoughts and “doing” impulses with no mission, no place to go? Before you can get to do anything, your brain is on the dodge amidst a tennis ball-like barrage of flying thoughts and competing agendas. Where there is job structure, there is synchronicity of thought.

For those of us who have “left the building” in more ways than one, that lack of daily mental structure contributes to a feeling – and a reality – of “tossed salad” for brains. Add to that the quixotic, PTSD nature of a family in caregiver mode, with you as the main caregiver, and your “tossed salad” issues become the least of your worries.  It now becomes a challenge of pushing through the muck of lethargy and your diminished sense of accomplishment and self. Financial realities quickly become an ‘oh well’ because there’s so many other things that need your attention – if only you had a brain!

This looped cycle of current circumstance nearly got the better of me, but luckily I kept moving and pushing and dealing with it, determined I would get back to the brain I could still remember. I’m not there yet completely, but no doubt that decades-long multi-tasking capability of mine reverse engineered itself to get me through where I’ve been lately.

Through some ongoing creative projects (no money), a hookup with a new social network site ready to launch (money eventually) and a strategy coaching group, I’m now on my way back to that wondrous brain that’s gotten me to here. At last I’m back to my blog with enough cohesion of thought to post something that is connected and focused and hopefully interesting enough to have a reader or two return.

There is great satisfaction in overcoming adversity. You get paid for it in the working world. You get ‘high fives’ and hugs when you do it for and with family. But when you reconnect in the mirror with who you remember yourself being, nobody but you knows or gets to see.

It’s that quiet, knowing look I can now give myself, knowing things are getting better. And the smile I have for the victory and grace in the randomness of being me.

 

 

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About kristisez

I am a writer/photographer with multiple projects and leanings. Most of my topics and content are generated from my own circumstances - either then or now. I love beauty, color and stories with heart, depth and spirit. These are the elements I attempt to include in all my work. Explore for yourself what I'm about when you read my blog.
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