No, really. No pressure. That’s part of the problem. It’s just me and what’s left of my “have to”. Nobody’s expecting me to turn in my “homework” here. Thankfully, there’s a tracking device so I know at least a few people are coming back to this site to check me out, even though they never say so. It’d be great to see a comment or two – good, bad or “Next!”. So please, if you’re reading this, consider letting me know. I’d appreciate it. But again, no pressure.
My last post a week ago – same title – got evaporated when I hit “Save Draft”. Dunno what happened exactly. Spent most of a day searching and trying to wish it back into existence since I had spent close to five hours crafting it. Agggh!
So, damn it! A week later and the title applies even more, only this time it’s not about an epic-for-me bike ride (5+ miles) to accomplish a series of errands. Forget about the buzzards that circled in anticipation as I struggled to get up and over the hills on Ryan Road. Never mind about my failed navigations, the pitiful Denton, Texas bus system or the surprised tweakers that drove me and my bike home for $5 when I recruited them at Jack-In-The-Box, recognizing I couldn’t do another mile on the bike, let alone two. I still posted it for what it was – a memorable adventure and challenge worth having and recounting. Except now it’s a week later and I’ve added miles since then – mental miles. And I REALLY don’t want to spend time pedaling backwards, so to speak, to recreate the post.
So now, up the road from last week, it’s about the same title but a different piece of mental road. It’s about catching up with myself and moving me forward. Not getting lost with the lost post but re-engaging with my mission – to write and engage others with something worth saying and reading.
I’ve been slacking and I need to get over it, to nurture the “full on, up for anything” feeling I had after getting home from that bike ride. The amazing realization that the impossible was still possible, that I was still possible and not too old for anything! Not that I think that way very often, but there’s been a few contemporaries of late – accomplished contemporaries – who are now gone. And anything could have happened after a five mile bike ride when you’re 66 and by impromptu necessity rediscovering the benefits of cardio.
I feel the pressure of time and circumstance and let it get in my way instead of lighting a fire under my own – well, you know. Looking backward for any reason other than to wistfully let go is a killer of the future and all one can accomplish.
Yet lack of past resolution and the suspense of a finite future take their toll on my present. I’m too much in my head about things for which I have no control. The future will be the future that I make out of my present choices. As for the past, I need to let others’ continued lack of candor and accountability for choosing the shadows of my life instead of the light and candor of knowing me directly to be my answer for letting go. Sometimes you don’t get to know the “why” of others’ choices. The only answer you get to “why” is in moving on and, if it still matters to know the answer sometime up the road, you’ll find your answer there – where you’re supposed to be as you’re supposed to be: reimagined and in charge of your own present and future. No shortcuts, no tagbacks, no guarantees – just pedal to the mental.
Took me a week to get here but this is my post – and I’m sticking to it.
See you next week!